If things were to go as planned, the customers would have been happy. However, because of my mistake of not writing down the Suite number for our company address, a deal may be broken. Our customer's impression of us may be extremely bad, just because of my mistaken.
I was careless. There is no question to it. No excuse at all.
So many people's efforts seemed to be erased because of this faulty wrong. Chasing down packages, making sure everything gets there on time, all that effort to make sure everything was done correctly, I single handedly ruined it.
I should apologize to all staff who have supported this project. Sometimes I wish Eric wasn't my dad's friend, so he can fire me and yell at me. Right now, I would like to fire myself from the company. I did such a wrong doing that I cannot let myself stay, to cause much more trouble. However, before I decide, I need to make some conclusions:

What did I learn from this "little" mistake? What should I do in the future to prevent it? It is not the first time something like that has happened. Because of my quick assumptions and carelessness, I could have ruined many projects a long time ago.

1. Not only is it the address problem that I must watch out for. I need to pay attention to detail; be meticulous about things. Carelessness is not tolerable in this world. I have learned my lesson the hard way, actually the very hard way. In some ways, I still feel like a child, and slowly, I'm coming out of my cocoon into adulthood. In many ways, my mental age does not fit my actual age number. I feel that I am 20 years old trying to get to know the world better.
You'd better wake up soon, Maria

2. I must remind, or make a list of what is to be done, to train myself to be more careful. I cannot accept the fact that I am careless and leave it be. I need to pay attention to minor details about corners, numbers, little spots on the table. I was so used to not paying to these details that made these mistakes. I must understand when I'm most vulnerable to make a mistake. When I know that, I need to think about when not to make the same mistake again.

I must improve.

Should I quit, as a punishment to myself, as a drive for me to find a true job? But then again, if I can't do a good job here, where else can I do a good job? Where should i start?

Recently, I've been thinking about not having a goal in life anymore. It seems like I've stalled looking for a job actively ever since Calvin and I broke up. During that time, I was really down and depressed which oppressed me from doing anything. But it's been so long now. Life seems to be "settled", but then I don't have a full time job, which really affects me. I can't rely on Eric and Joanie forever. I need to be more independent, financially and career wise.

So, in the next few days, I need to think of the following:
- What do I actually want? I've tried environmental assessment/GIS. Not many jobs out there are available for that.
- Where should I start looking? I need to look back on my old job postings.
- Is my resume and cover letter strong enough?
- If I was to go into other fields, where should I start?

I currently have Tuesdays and Thursdays off. How can I make use of those two days and do something productive, instead of constantly going out?

That is my goal now.

I feel like the happiest lady on Earth. I met Mr. G through dodgeball, which Cindy asked me to go.. :) It's not been a month, and we feel extremely comfortable around each other, and as we start to know each other more, the more we enjoy each other's presence.

I'm really glad I met Gavin. He likes me for who I am, he cares and he's sincere, above all other criteria.

It's been a long long while since I said I love you to a boy. I love you Gavin, I truly do. :)

"I want to be friends for now", says Calvin.

He and I were sitting in a bubbletea shop when he sat down with me. I didn't want to break up, but he says that he can't see a future in us right now, because he doesn't know why he doesn't have the passion for me.

And the story goes on. He stayed over that night and we talked and missed each other.

We are friends now. I know he'll be there for me if I need help. Right now I need help, but I know that no one can help me except for myself.

I had him once, and now he's gone. I have got to accept that fact. I think he still thinks of me sometimes, but I think he has realized that I'm gone too.

Lingering won't help. I need to move on.

I told myself that I would be strong enough today to at least send out some resumes.

It's time, Maria. It's time.

You have wasted a week. It's time to move on.

P.S. - I have loved and lost. Accept the lost and move on.

Looking for a way to find happiness = reading books. I'm reading the Tao of Pooh, and it's helped me a lot.

This morning, when I woke up, no one was beside me. I'm sitting at the computer trying not to think for a while. Luckily I can go to work later so I can take my mind off. Hopefully there will be a lot of work...........

1-5 @ StarHome.

Eric from Castle said, what has Calvin done to me?

My mission right now is to look for a full time job, but my emotional levels aren't letting me. I'm trying hard to control it and not to let it slip, but emotions are emotions. They are like water, no matter how but of a dam you build, it will still spill over.

Next week I'll feel better. I know.

I want to cry. My tears are locked inside. How do I release them?

I feel a bit better now, now that he talked to me. Felt soooo stressed out throughout the whole weekend.. esp when my parents were here..... didn't know how to entertain them properly.

The past few weeks with  Calvin was a lot of fun.. we saw each other almost everyday and I missed him when I wasn't with him. Loved the huge hike and the big bike ride last weekend, and thanks so much for being there when I needed to move. Really appreciate it.. :)

However, I think I have trusting issues. Two days ago, I went out for dinner with him at night, and then suddenly I don't know what triggered me and I started to have a big emotional break down, then we sat in his car and I cried some more. I really didn't want him to see me like this, my flaws, my emotions, my thoughts that are treasured deeply inside me. I'm so used to being independent, and taking care of things myself, I'm not used to having someone in my life, guiding me, serving me and taking are of me. Although it's a sweet sweet feeling, but some how, I feel myself pushing him away. I'm used to hiding in my room and taking my emotions with me, weathering in the little corner until I feel like sunshine again.

I would love to go to my friends when I'm down and when I need a hearing ear and an understanding heart. Half of the time, I have one or two, but I never have three at the same time. And now Calvin is there, like on Monday, listening to me, patiently waiting for me to let my emotions out, I thank him truthfully. But the lonely feeling still lingers. He tells me, now that I have him in my life, he can be my shoulder and I feel close to him. Thank you thank you thank you, but it is a million times more difficult than you can imagine to open my heart so quickly and efficiently. You are physically here with me, however, the close-hearted-ness is still far far away. I need to figure out why before I can say yes.

Yesterday, Calvin asked me to go to a wedding in September. It was his co-worker's wedding, and the co-worker invited me to go. I didn't say yes or no. Do I really want to present myself as that kind of couple? To me, couples who go to weddings are those who have a fire in their hearts for each other; couples who are close enough to say I love you, but not the "i'm in love" kind of love, but those who really love each other deep deep inside, couples who truly feel for each other. I cannot give him an answer. The only answer I can give him is "I would go if you want me to go". Yes or  no doesn't is not a biggie for me.

It's one of those periods, when I'm on an emotional roller coaster. As I said, I really don't want Calvin to know that i'm like this. To me, It's really one of my flaws that I just want the closest of the close get a glimpse of.

So sun fu.

Perhaps this is the third post of me being unhappy......

My msn name for a few days: Thx for being the only bright light in a bed of gloominess. I'm referring to Calvin.
I'm worried about my dad, because he's really stressed out because of my brother. his grades man......

But now that I saw them today, I feel a lot happier now.

I love my parents so much. Best parents you can ever have!

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I miss my sugar babe.........

So many things to do!!!

- Do HWK
- Find housing
- Find full time job
- Quit job
- figure out money
- Figure out Chris' situation

I will do it!! I know I will..... Last assignment is due next monday. One thing off the checklist. Now the coming seemingly impossibles

Calvin, I know you want me to be closer to you, I want to too, and I'm working hard. Thanks for everything babe... glad you're here with me.. :)

Going out with Calvin is cool, and it's been fun for the past week.. but then I feel that because of me, he's changed his habits. He's got so much stuff to do yet he still wants to come out to see me. I should feel happy because he's doing this, but I don't need this and I don't want him to. I want him to finish his work first then come out. I don't want him to delay anything because of a new relationship.
Yesterday, he came to pick me up from real estate and then we went to have dinner. I should be happy that he wants to spend time with me, but for some reason, I wasn't extremely happy because of a few reasons. I was so tired. I didn't sleep well the day before and work was boring. I thought he was going to come and drop me my stuff and then go home to study. I didn't expect to see him the whole week, however, some how, he showed up.
I felt weird, because some person is trying to come into my life and try to help me do things I'm usually independent of doing. Driving me home because it was raining and my stuff was heavy....... Thanks Calvin, I really appreciate it, but I don't need it and I feel that I need my own lil space. I was going to rest and then maybe go home or go out with Angel. I didn't want to think about where to eat and what to eat.... and I didn't want to listen to someone talk and have to concentrate.
I told me uncle and Angel about it. They both said that I should talk to him about it. Maybe I will.... on a really good day. Maybe this weekend? I don't know. I like taking care of myself. I don't need someone to take care of me like that..... I have my own life and I am independent. Do you understand what I mean?
 hmm....

One the other hand, I really need to start looking for a job and to look for new housing. I have made my goals.

- Have a house by next weekend.
- Have found a job by middle of May!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Calvin, please finish your work then come out and chill... that's what I need you to do. Please... I miss you and want you to come out so we can hug and relax. Let's wait till the weekend. One or two days out of the week is okay, but let's finish what we really have to do first, okay? :)